I AM AFRAID OF LOVE!
Or maybe Humans scare me off!
Hey there, I hope you are doing well! I am back here to give you some updates and share some feelings I was suffering from.
Life is so crooked you know?! We never know what will happen the next moment, good or bad we have to accept it! We must just carry on with life no matter what happens or maybe we will also overthink about what will happen next which is a mere waste of time.
Just like life people show uncertainty in their behaviours. Some people are so nasty! They frustrate you, make you cry, hurt you in every way possible and not even feel guilty about it. Like there is nothing called realisation left in human beings.
I am someone who have never been in so called relationship but I can say betrayal in friendship or expecting something from someone can also break your heart. It is difficult to gather all the pieces of your heart and put them back together and live just like that when a person you trusted the most has done nasty to you.
I AM AFRAID OF LOVE!
Irrespective of the gender, there are some people for you who will be toxic and you have to sense it and move away from them. When you fall in love with someone, you literally give all of you to them without judging them. Of course love is blind! Experimenting and giving a chance to a person to break my heart scares me off. I seriously cannot take it.
I am afraid of love because when I love someone, I love them unconditionally, though never expressed it. In fact I am even possessive in friendships. I am sometimes clingy and may appear controlling and toxic. I fear what if the things that matter to me the most and my feelings will not matter to the person I love the most.
Age, appearance, complexion or any other difference does not matter in love. The only part which matters the most is the same level of emotional maturity in your partner. A person who understands and embraces you at your best and your worst. The type of person who motivates you when you hit the rock bottom instead of insulting and discouraging you when you are a mess.
I am a mess and I want my person to understand me. What is love without understanding? For instance, I love my cat and I love my dog but usually I do not understand what they say. But I try to figure out what they want. Understanding and being understood is the key. I try to understand but I am not sure whether I am being understood or not. And it is tiring to explain myself to people over and over again.
Ghosting and not having clear and constant communication is also one of my fears. What if someone suddenly ghosts you without saying anything. I think what if a person you love the most or the most important person in your life leave you or goes against you exactly when you think they are your strength, your backbone. I have already gone through this situation though but I cannot take it once more.
???
What if the most important person in your life who knows all your secrets betrays you and makes fun of you in public for your weaknesses? Can you imagine the level of humiliation? That pain is unbearable. That insult can bury you alive.
People say if you share the pain, it will decrease in its intensity (metaphorical). But I say, the pain that is written for you, will affect you. You have to bear it and tolerate all of it on your own. And no matter how much you share your problems during your difficult times, you will not be understood even by your near and dear ones. This is the reason I lost the ability to express myself verbally.
A’S POV:
I am afraid of love because I fear that, the intensity and the way I can love someone unconditionally will not reciprocate, which eventually can break me into pieces. Love, attention, loyalty and everything should be from both the sides. So if you do not get this from another side, love yourself and find peace within yourself!
